WORDS BY MARY LUCIA
We all know in reality perfection is boring, but if I lived in a flawless world…
No writer worth their salt would use the expression “emotional roller coaster.”
Laughing gas was included with every on hold call to your bank, phone provider, government office, or cable network.
Izzy Stradlin would’ve emerged and been acknowledged by everyone as the most talented member of Guns N’ Roses.
You could teach your dog to vacuum.
Every high school senior would be required to travel abroad by themselves, not as part of any academic program. They would need to figure everything out on their own and find a job in a foreign country.
Lilac bushes would grow year-round in everyone’s yard.
Peter Jackson would release an additional eight hours of footage to Get Back.
Crop tops would only be sold and marketed to men over 50.
When noticing a loud grinding sound while driving, turning the radio up would actually fix the problem.
Grade school through middle schools would rotate assigned seating in the lunchroom. You want that PB&J and juice box? Sit next to a different stranger weekly and chat that kid up.
No one working at a nonprofit organization could ever haul in a million-dollar salary.
Cleaning one cat box would burn 5,000 calories.
After two hours of screen time on your phone it would immediately shapeshift into a book in your hands. The only way to get service back would be to read the entire book.
Ice cream trucks should be able to choose their own music. Some suggestions: NIN, Hank Williams, NWA, and Andrea Bocelli.
Setting boundaries as an adult would only be perceived as an act of kindness and self-preservation.
Broken hearts can be fixed with a simple remedy found at a Minute Clinic near you. You’d get the additional privilege of two hours of extended play time with a baby panda bear.
I would’ve been great pals with Sam Shepard.
Every internet troll who comments, especially on a Star Tribune article, should have to use their real name and a current photo.
Do away with all television advertisements that feature women romancing chocolate as a substitution for sex and replace them with Weird Al.
I would always have a freshly sharpened pencil on hand.
Every person who chooses not to go to the latest superhero blockbuster movie will be rewarded with lifetime immunity to urinary tract infections.
Winter in Minnesota would start the day after Thanksgiving and end New Year’s Day.
Those of us animal parents without a tortoise or cockatoo should have their fur babies outlive us.
Judy Blume would be President. Amy Schumer Vice President.
While shopping at Target you can freely pick up the sound system microphone and belt out a believable Chaka Khan impression, delighting all the shoppers fingering bath towels and boxes of Claritin.
Cadillac would bring back fins.
Some perfumier would capture the scent of apartment building dryer exhaust.
After every yearly pap smear, I would be handed a stunning antique lampshade as a parting gift.
Mick Jones and Joe Strummer would have made one more record together after Combat Rock.
Dead-end jobs would have an intuitive ejection seat that would hurdle you into space at 5Gs when you need to make a change.
Every DMV would have a dance floor as well as a fog machine. The only way you advance your number being called is by how much booty shaking you’ve put in.
If hitting your funny bone on the wooden doorway was indeed funny.
My favorite bookstore, Magers & Quinn, would have a working pug vending machine.
Shoe/boot designers create and manufacture pairs where one shoe is a half-size bigger.
Everyone would still have a crush on their partner, however long you’ve been together.
Godfather III would never have been made. On that note, anyone who says “Eye-Talian” should be forced to watch III on a loop.
I would never suffer another unripe cantaloupe. This would also be helpful in curbing my unnerving violent fantasy to throw bad fruit back through the grocery store window from whence it came.
Dog parks would be the only place animals become verbal, speaking to each other, and expressing their thoughts clearly, finally revealing that your pooch’s speaking voice sounds like Renee Zellweger or Leon Redbone.
Everyone would own a motorcycle or convertible at some point in their lives.
A TCBY in my neighborhood.
I’d like to introduce the expression “Janky Tits” as an acceptable description when a situation is truly messed up.
Both Buddy Holly and Amy Winehouse would’ve lived and made music for another 65 years.
Every shower or bath taken washes away all traces of embedded shame you may be carrying around.
When selecting a Lyft ride pickup, you can choose a pony ride instead of a white Hyundai.
All utility bills and student loan statements come with five lottery tickets and a cold can of Diet Coke.
My black vintage horsehide jacket that was stolen from the Entry dressing room would reappear at my door. Tucked in its pocket: A love note from Joe Perry.
Senior citizen bingo is a televised Olympic sport.
If we all led life with curiosity instead of fear.
Everyone would know that ‘Cum On Feel The Noize’ was written by Slade. Not Quiet Riot.
Dynamite, Brenda Lee
You’re So Rude, Faces
Lovesick Blues, Hank Williams, Drifting Cowboys
Charlatan, White Light Riot
Miss Understood, Capital Sons
Call an Ambulance, Albert Hammond Jr.
Take Me Out, Franz Ferdinand
Mary, Kings of Leon
Tonight the Streets Are Ours, Richard Hawley
The Man Who Loved Life, The Jayhawks
Totally Automatic!, Neon Prisms